I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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