I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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