my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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