Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
