yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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