you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
