I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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