I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
