your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
