Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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