i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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