life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
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