I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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