i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you didnt know i had herpes?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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