My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
