Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize