You made me cry and you don't even care
I cockslap morals
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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