hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
