if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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