So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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