A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
