watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
