Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
