I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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