she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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