yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
