I showed him my bush... on skype.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
