Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
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