Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
