I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
