Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
