Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
