my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
