I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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