I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
