Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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