I got chris browned last night
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
