She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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