The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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