What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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