new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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