i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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