I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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