I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
