Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I could make wine with my vomit
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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