his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
