just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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