i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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