Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
