Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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