I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
