Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
