So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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