She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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