Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
