yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
