I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
