The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
