I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
