Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
