By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize