i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
