Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
