someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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