you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
