Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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